The missing period

I was 15 when I started taking the pill. I got my first period when I was eleven and from then on my time of the month had always been very irregular. The pill was quite helpful because without it I would bleed 3 weeks a month, which is not ideal at any moment but especially not as a young girl who’s trying to experience the world. My period had always been extremely painful so knowing when to expect this was a bit of a relieve. (This was until I started bleeding through the pill but OK, that’s a different story. Anyone wanna talk about endometriosis?) 

At 17 I went to a gynecologist for the first time. The reason for this appointment was the fact that every time my bleed was there, I would be screaming, crying and throwing up. Howling that I wanted to have my uterus removed because it was unbearable. I had my first ultrasound and got sent home with my verdict: no sign of endometriosis. Go home and take the pill for 6 months, stop for a week and then continue. 

When I was 18 I started having really bad acne. I tried everything. Even the raw till 4 diet (listen, growing up on the internet is no joke.) But nothing worked. Meanwhile I would bleed through the pill and the pain would have me curled up on the floor. 

The acne was taking a huge toll on my confidence so after trying everything I could think of, I went on accutane. 

Meanwhile something inside of me told me it was time to quit the pill. I knew it was time for me to try a life without hormonal contraception. 

So I stopped. Didn’t even finish my strip. The accutane was working and my skin was ‘healing.’ 

After only a few weeks without the pill, EVERYTHING started changing. I actually became happier, more carefree, more excited about life, I felt the need to go out and explore, I wanted to do fun things, I saw lots of beauty. I was able to cry. I was able to feel. The most significant change was that I was laughing and then the realization that I hadn’t really laughed in years. The kind of laughing that only happens with your best friends, the kind of laughing where you wheeze, the kind of laughing that is loud and happy and healing. The kind of laughing that makes you cry. 

It really felt like there had been a blanket over me during my time on the pill. And stopping finally took that blanket off. I could see clearly. 

But I also realized that I wasn’t in love with my boyfriend who I had been together with for 3,5 years. The pill can make you attracted to people you normally wouldn’t be attracted to. Can you imagine? 

I knew everything had to change. I had to leave him, our house. I had to start over. Which was scary but I knew it had to happen. 

I felt like there was a fuller life waiting for me and I was ready to taste it all. 

So I chose for myself, left and rediscovered who I was and that was crazy!!! I was constantly like, who is this girl?! I actually like her??? 

But my painful periods were there until they weren’t anymore. I stopped getting a period but was bleeding constantly. It was like being a teenage girl again and I was devastated. 

After a while I got diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had ovaries full of cysts. I was so sad. I didn’t want to treat my PCOS with hormones because I was so afraid of that blanket coming back over me. 

I was loving life without the pill, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and heal naturally.  

I started learning about hormone balance. I went gluten and sugar free. I started eating fish again after being vegan for years. 

I started doing more shadow work than I was already doing before. I started really loving myself. I started being super mindful about what I was eating. Whole Foods, baby. 

We were in lockdown so I had plenty of time to cook & learn. 

I started implementing Maca which I honestly think was the game changer in getting my period back. 

After a while I stopped bleeding everyday and I started having a regular period! Oh my was I bleeding every month! 

But my bleed was painful as hell. I remember one night in Barcelona. I had flare up on the streets that made me cry. The pain was not only during my period anymore and moved from my uterus to my bladder, legs and my back. 

I felt so hopeless. I wanted to be connected to my divine feminine so bad but I HATED everything that was going on with my uterus. I would literally yell at my womb to stop hurting. 

I felt like I was missing something. And after lots of pain, one day I decided that I needed to stop being so angry at my body. The pain was something that really created a burden between my brain and my body. 

So I told her I was sorry. I wanted to be with her and not against her. I knew it would make it a tiny bit better if I just loved her. 

And this realization created something so deep. I felt a love for myself that I had never felt before. I’ve always loved being held by other people and my support system is amazing. But being held by yourself just hits different. 

So I started reading about periods. I was reading things that I wish they would have taught me in school. 

Like cyclical living. Wow. Who knew there was more than just menstruating and ovulating? 

So I started tracking my cycle. It was SO fun to actually see in my data when I was ovulating. Being aware of that delicious energy is something I will never take for granted. 

I now rest when I’m on my bleed. I socialize when I’m in my follicular. I channel my creative energy when I’m ovulating. I turn inwards and finish things when I’m in my luteal. I know what foods feel good in my different phases. 

I’m learning about herbs that can ease (the still existing) pain of my periods. I’m practicing womb healing because she is traumatized. I have a healthy libido. I feel powerful and inspiring. I feel playful. I feel a lust for life.

I feel strong and healthy. I feel like I can see clearly. Doesn’t matter if life isn’t always fun. I like seeing everything and experiencing the different waves. I like feeling instead of being numbed out by a pill. 

Quitting the pill was not the easiest but best thing to do. I wouldn’t want to have it any other way. 

I can confidently say that the pill took years of my life and I feel like my body is still recovering from all of those hormones I was filling her up with. 

But I’m on her side now and things are 1837329023 times better. 

Full disclosure, I’m writing this on day 17 of my cycle with extreme back pain which I think is because of my ovulation. My last period was 10 days late and I’m either planning hospital visits, spending time in the hospital or thinking about the hospital. Healing is never linear and the way to an endometriosis diagnosis is not a piece of cake. But the least thing we can do is fight for our bodies. 

So to any womb holder out there: track your cycle! Take you temp! Be mindful about how you feel during the different phases! Take good care of yourself!

 

Thanks for coming to my TED talk about how the pill & not having a period took it’s toll on me. We came out on the other side! <3