Two Sundays ago I attended an event that I got invited to with The Cosmic Club. It was a wild woman embodiment workshop and it was absolutely divine. It was heart opening, healing and warming. I felt free and now I feel the need to say a few things about that.  I'm a sucker for vulnerability so let's go! On August 17th I went to a women’s circle hosted by my friend Ella. We did a heart opening practice, we danced and we shared. During my heart opening moment I felt like I was bursting out into the cosmos. I saw myself explode. The build up towards this moment was of a memory where me and a friend were sitting on a terrace and her telling me that I’m afraid of my own potential. My ego woke up straight away, I did not like her saying this. But as time past and as I got to know her a little bit better I saw that maybe, just maybe, she was right.  And as my heart bursted open I heard myself say “she is right and it ends here.” I’m done being afraid. I’m not afraid of my own potential.  When I got home after the ceremony I received a phone call that said friend had passed away. I got slapped in the face with mortality. During the circle I also had a visit of Jeanne d’Arc. Like my close friend R had before me. And Jeanne stood there next to me as I was laying on a rock near a waterfall in a white satin nightgown, heart open, eyes closed. Raw. She told me that there was nothing to be afraid of, I was safe. She told me I didn’t have to fight. The fight was over.  I have this conversation a lot with R. When I’m with her, there is no competition. Not even subconsciously. And we discuss it a lot. We don’t have to fight and we’re happy. It gives a sense of relieve.  Maybe Jeanne d’Arc telling me this is a way of my friend moving through me, me learning from her, getting insights from a woman that is just pure in my life. No judgement, just safety. Or maybe we are learning the same lessons at the same time and is that what makes our bond so special.  Coming back to this embodiment workshop. We drank cacao, we danced, we looked each other in the eyes and during my cacao journey I saw what I had to do. I am here to serve women, to take care of women. I am here to live, fully, abundantly. Without fear.  I’m here to break the cycle. And as much as I’m happy. Happy that I’m safe enough to practice my craft, to work with herbs, with the divine, even to be in a circle with other women. I have this deep understanding that the women who came before us were not able to do this. Jeanne did what she had to do. What she KNEW she had to do. She was a saint and got punished in the brutal way that we all know and some of us might still feel. I have always felt a strong connection to her. So strong that my parents took me to her statue. An experience that shaped me. We looked at the statue, I felt her, I paid my respect and that night as we were having dinner at a terrace we had a view of rats running around. The things that leave their mark you when you're young..  Many more women have been punished. Most of them for just being a women.  Eternally grateful I am to be here in this day and age and I feel honored to live the way I do. I wouldn’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for my craft. The realization that some of our sisters can not live the way they want haunts me. Because it still happens. Feminism is not near reached and we need to stand together, unite. We need to learn, educate ourselves and others. We need to listen. And like my friend R says: we need to come with love.  So I thank all the women that walk besides me today but also the ones that came before us. I want to take a few minutes to think about the women that are not able to live today and I will express extreme gratitude for my life. I will not take my freedom for granted.  I will live for every woman. For A that has lost her life too soon. A life that was so full because she made it that. I will live and be brave for Jeanne. I will live and heal for my grandmother, my mother but also my future daughter. I will continue to learn how to hold space and create a safe space for all of us, for our sisterhood.  And I’m hoping that every modern witch will acknowledge how blessed we are to be able to do this and how privileged. It’s still not normal and safe for everyone and I believe that healing of ourselves and of the world beings with listening, acknowledging and loving. Buy your ticket with love - thank you to one of my muses Rachella. 

I was 15 when I started taking the pill. I got my first period when I was eleven and from then on my time of the month had always been very irregular. The pill was quite helpful because without it I would bleed 3 weeks a month, which is not ideal at any moment but especially not as a young girl who’s trying to experience the world. My period had always been extremely painful so knowing when to expect this was a bit of a relieve. (This was until I started bleeding through the pill but OK, that’s a different story. Anyone wanna talk about endometriosis?)  At 17 I went to a gynecologist for the first time. The reason for this appointment was the fact that every time my bleed was there, I would be screaming, crying and throwing up. Howling that I wanted to have my uterus removed because it was unbearable. I had my first ultrasound and got sent home with my verdict: no sign of endometriosis. Go home and take the pill for 6 months, stop for a week and then continue.  When I was 18 I started having really bad acne. I tried everything. Even the raw till 4 diet (listen, growing up on the internet is no joke.) But nothing worked. Meanwhile I would bleed through the pill and the pain would have me curled up on the floor.  The acne was taking a huge toll on my confidence so after trying everything I could think of, I went on accutane.  Meanwhile something inside of me told me it was time to quit the pill. I knew it was time for me to try a life without hormonal contraception.  So I stopped. Didn’t even finish my strip. The accutane was working and my skin was ‘healing.’  After only a few weeks without the pill, EVERYTHING started changing. I actually became happier, more carefree, more excited about life, I felt the need to go out and explore, I wanted to do fun things, I saw lots of beauty. I was able to cry. I was able to feel. The most significant change was that I was laughing and then the realization that I hadn’t really laughed in years. The kind of laughing that only happens with your best friends, the kind of laughing where you wheeze, the kind of laughing that is loud and happy and healing. The kind of laughing that makes you cry.  It really felt like there had been a blanket over me during my time on the pill. And stopping finally took that blanket off. I could see clearly.  But I also realized that I wasn’t in love with my boyfriend who I had been together with for 3,5 years. The pill can make you attracted to people you normally wouldn’t be attracted to. Can you imagine?  I knew everything had to change. I had to leave him, our house. I had to start over. Which was scary but I knew it had to happen.  I felt like there was a fuller life waiting for me and I was ready to taste it all.  So I chose for myself, left and rediscovered who I was and that was crazy!!! I was constantly like, who is this girl?! I actually like her???  But my painful periods were there until they weren’t anymore. I stopped getting a period but was bleeding constantly. It was like being a teenage girl again and I was devastated.  After a while I got diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had ovaries full of cysts. I was so sad. I didn’t want to treat my PCOS with hormones because I was so afraid of that blanket coming back over me.  I was loving life without the pill, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and heal naturally.   I started learning about hormone balance. I went gluten and sugar free. I started eating fish again after being vegan for years.  I started doing more shadow work than I was already doing before. I started really loving myself. I started being super mindful about what I was eating. Whole Foods, baby.  We were in lockdown so I had plenty of time to cook & learn.  I started implementing Maca which I honestly think was the game changer in getting my period back.  After a while I stopped bleeding everyday and I started having a regular period! Oh my was I bleeding every month!  But my bleed was painful as hell. I remember one night in Barcelona. I had flare up on the streets that made me cry. The pain was not only during my period anymore and moved from my uterus to my bladder, legs and my back.  I felt so hopeless. I wanted to be connected to my divine feminine so bad but I HATED everything that was going on with my uterus. I would literally yell at my womb to stop hurting.  I felt like I was missing something. And after lots of pain, one day I decided that I needed to stop being so angry at my body. The pain was something that really created a burden between my brain and my body.  So I told her I was sorry. I wanted to be with her and not against her. I knew it would make it a tiny bit better if I just loved her.  And this realization created something so deep. I felt a love for myself that I had never felt before. I’ve always loved being held by other people and my support system is amazing. But being held by yourself just hits different.  So I started reading about periods. I was reading things that I wish they would have taught me in school.  Like cyclical living. Wow. Who knew there was more than just menstruating and ovulating?  So I started tracking my cycle. It was SO fun to actually see in my data when I was ovulating. Being aware of that delicious energy is something I will never take for granted.  I now rest when I’m on my bleed. I socialize when I’m in my follicular. I channel my creative energy when I’m ovulating. I turn inwards and finish things when I’m in my luteal. I know what foods feel good in my different phases.  I’m learning about herbs that can ease (the still existing) pain of my periods. I’m practicing womb healing because she is traumatized. I have a healthy libido. I feel powerful and inspiring. I feel playful. I feel a lust for life. I feel strong and healthy. I feel like I can see clearly. Doesn’t matter if life isn’t always fun. I like seeing everything and experiencing the different waves. I like feeling instead of being numbed out by a pill.  Quitting the pill was not the easiest but best thing to do. I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.  I can confidently say that the pill took years of my life and I feel like my body is still recovering from all of those hormones I was filling her up with.  But I’m on her side now and things are 1837329023 times better.  Full disclosure, I’m writing this on day 17 of my cycle with extreme back pain which I think is because of my ovulation. My last period was 10 days late and I’m either planning hospital visits, spending time in the hospital or thinking about the hospital. Healing is never linear and the way to an endometriosis diagnosis is not a piece of cake. But the least thing we can do is fight for our bodies.  So to any womb holder out there: track your cycle! Take you temp! Be mindful about how you feel during the different phases! Take good care of yourself!   Thanks for coming to my TED talk about how the pill & not having a period took it’s toll on me. We came out on the other side! <3 

Like most of us, I went to see Barbie. Pink shirt and all, not difficult with my wardrobe BUT the uniform was one of my first favorite things about the movie. I saw TikTok after TikTok about girls wearing pink to the cinema. It reminded me of me and my girlies back in the days, when cringe wasn’t even a thing. We were just carefree and matching.    To be fair, I was not planning on seeing Barbie. Until I found out that it is about fighting the patriarchy. I felt like it was my duty to go and MAN ;) it did not disappoint. The opposite actually. The first time I went with my girlfriend of 8 years and when we walked out I decided that every man in my life who is even somewhat important important to me should see this masterpiece.    I felt seen. All of the things I’ve been facing in my life because I am a woman were acknowledged. I felt the love of my mother even though she wasn’t in the room with me. I felt the love of the past few women’s circles I’ve been to. I felt the love of myself. I was sitting next to my bestie who I grew up with. And nature was healing.    It made me realize that us women are so incredibly special. The way we can work together. The way we can create a safe space for each other. The way I have felt transformative healing just from doing breath work with a group of women. The way we are warm and nurturing, intuitive, caring etc.. I’m in awe.    It made me think about why I started The Cosmic Club. The main reason was for women. I adore women and I think they deserve the world. We deserve to learn how to get to know our bodies. We deserve to feel safe. We deserve to express our sensuality without being sexualized. We deserve to love and celebrate our womb. We deserve to rest. We deserve to be in sisterhood. We deserve to heal… the pain of our mothers, our grandmothers, our great grandmothers, all of them! All of the ladies before us! We deserve to know how our cycle works. We deserve to love instead of hate our periods. We deserve to be the wild women we were meant to be.    Here’s to all of you womb holders. Say some sweet words to yourself tonight and kick ass.